Mentoring As an Essential Component of Recovery

I can sum up my own recovery from anorexia and bulimia with four words - relationships replace eating disorders.

When I became ill with anorexia at the age of eleven, I didn't know how to tell my parents what felt so wrong inside of me, and they didn't know what to say to help me open up to them. When they applied to our family pediatrician for help, he advised them that it was best not to discuss it with me and reassured them that I would soon grow out of it. My father, unhappy with this wait-and-see approach, then called the insurance company and was tersely informed that "eating problems" were not covered under the family policy. Left with only my pediatrician's advice to go by, my parents decided to keep silent.

What this meant was that the voice of the eating disorder was the only one talking to me on a regular basis, giving me confident-sounding advice about how to deal with life's daily challenges. And I, in my isolation and loneliness, became all too willing to listen. By the time I was a freshman music major in college, I was beginning to struggle with bulimia as well.

Then, scarcely two months after I had arrived at college, the tendons in my hands gave out under the strain of my piano practice schedule.  I was left with no choice but to withdraw from college and return home. My mother quickly located a physical therapist for me. She drove me to Annie's* office every week.

It didn't take Annie long to figure out that there was more going on with me than just hand injuries. One day, at my weekly session, she gently asked if I was okay. I opened my mouth to reassure her that all was well...and it all came spilling out-the fear of food, the hopelessness, the loss of my music, the loneliness that made me long to curl up and die. Amazingly, Annie asked if there was anything she could do to help.

Even more amazingly, I said "yes".

Since neither Annie nor I knew that much about eating disorders recovery, we embarked upon a learning quest together. Together, we began to brainstorm ways I could overcome my fear of food. She helped me find some local support groups and encouraged me to go. She shared books that had inspired her. We talked and she got to know me, which made all the difference in my daily willingness and ability to do the hard work of recovery.

In the power of the bond that formed between Annie and me, we unwittingly discovered the eating disorder's strength, and its fatal weakness. It had thrived while I was in isolation, but now I had a trusted friend by my side-someone who could see me apart from my eating disorder and who was not nearly as intimidated by it as I. And over time, my relationship with Annie began to replace my need for the relationship I had formed with the eating disorder. As we met each week, I, too, began to be able to look past the eating disorder and see myself through Annie's eyes-as a hero in my own life.

Without Annie's help and support, I would not be here to share my story of hope and triumph today. This is the power of mentoring.

Mentoring 101

Today, we have so many more resources than what was available when I was struggling with an eating disorder. But one fact remains unchanged-we still need support to get better and stay that way.

Just what is a mentor? Who can serve as one and what are the benefits of a mentoring relationship? How do you know you are ready to be mentored? For that matter, how do you find a good mentor, or learn to become one?

What do you mean by "mentor" and "mentee"?

A mentor, in this context, is a trusted guide who has knowledge and experience in a certain area, and is willing and able to share it. A mentee is a person who is in need of guidance and support, and is willing to receive it. While it is not absolutely necessary (although it is extremely desirable) that your mentor be familiar with the specifics of eating disorders, poor body image, or other related issues, the person you choose must be able to relate to your struggles on some personal level and express a willingness to learn how to best support you.

Who can be a mentor?

The beauty of a mentoring partnership is that it can happen both within and outside the context of a traditional therapeutic relationship. It is quite common for many of the principles of a quality mentoring relationship to be found in the bond that forms between therapist and patient-many former sufferers credit their recovery success to the guidance of compassionate, caring treatment team members. However, teachers, coaches, parents, siblings, clergy, significant others, spouses, friends, and other individuals may also be uniquely positioned and qualified to serve as mentors.

What is a mentor's "job description"?

First and foremost, the mentor serves as a resource and cheerleader to a person who wants to meet certain recovery goals and is willing to do the work that is required. Mentoring is driven by the mentee's need for support and desire to recover. A mentor's role, therefore, is necessarily reactive rather than proactive, as it is the mentee who is driving the process by seeking out the mentor's guidance, assistance, and advice for navigating both the day-to-day and the larger recovery issues as they arise.